I struggle with going to the doctor. I don’t generally get sick, let alone sick enough that would require medical care. My most frequent reason for visiting a doctor has been to deal with my period. Honestly, its been a nightmare (both getting periods and going to the doctor to seek help). In all of the experiences I have had and with every appointment I have gone to, my concerns have been noted as normal and my requests for hysterectomy has been vehemently denied.
My desire for uterine relief comes from two places, one of biology and one of gender. A uterus generally means bleeding, and for me, the bleeding has been intense. As I have gotten older, the bleeding has become more predictable and manageable, but the other symptoms that come from changing hormone levels make my life miserable. I spend two weeks out of the month dealing with insane emotional mood swings, bloating that makes me want to rip my skin off, and general unhappiness. Then my period comes. By the third day I am back to feeling fine, except I will have developed a strong dislike for the organs which are bleeding. I become annoyed with my need to use tampons and hope that by abstaining I can trick my body into being done bleeding. That never works and I end up more frustrated with my continued blood flow. Then it ends. I get a week or so of normalcy until it all starts over. It is a vicious fucking cycle.
From a gender perspective, I genuinely feel like my body is not supposed to have a period. It is that simple. Though that adds another layer of anger and disgust when I get my period, and towards the whole monthly cycle. At this point, going through each phase of the cycle causes me to hyper focus on everything that is going on with my body that I cannot control. To sum it up: this shit needs to stop.
The last time I went to a doctor she told me point blank that no doctor would ever give me a hysterectomy. I left the office crying. That was over two years ago and out of mounting frustration, I have made another doctor’s appointment. Im conflicted. Even talking about going to a doctor causes me to swell with anger. Every roadblock I hit with using the online system to schedule the appointment was met with frustration and distress, causing me to shut down and stop trying entirely.
Finally, I solidified an appointment.