As a trans person, there are certain expectations that people place on me that I am expected to fulfill. Making legal and medical steps to change things about myself definitely tops the list. Without those steps, people often forget about my gender identity. Getting people to consistently use my pronouns is a task and a half, and I really feel that if I looked differently or made changes in my life, people would remember that I am not who they perceive me to be.
I feel boxed in my expectations of what I “should” be doing as a trans person to get validation of my gender. At the same time, I feel boxed in by my lack of desire to legally or medically transition. I don’t have the desire to make any medical changed to my body at this time. Even though I am one hundred percent okay with that, I find myself frustrated with the thought that my lack of transition locks me into forever being a “female”.
This makes me circle back to thoughts about not being trans enough (a stupid idea that is only brought on by the unnecessary categorization of people). How valid is my identity if there is nothing I want to do that validates my identity? How valid is my identify if other people can’t see pieces of my identity? We live in a world where gender presentation equals gender identity and that’s not the case. I shouldn’t need external anything to validate who I say I am, and yet, I can’t seem to get very far without that. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck then its a duck, right? Except that I look like a “woman”, dress like a “woman”, have a vocal pitch that sounds like other women… and yet- I’m not.
The norms for gender that have been established, and that most of us buy into, are the things that constrict me into a place of identity suppression and submission. The norms are in place to force conformity and its working! I’m not different enough to be excused from the norms so instead I am trapped by them. Safe from humiliation and ridicule of being different but internally tortured by the system that claims to be protecting me.
How many other people are suffering as I am? I may never know. Finding the conforming nonconformists is like finding hay in a hay stack- we all may look the same, just a bunch of femmes trying to live our best life, when really our diversity is buried, hidden from others because they refuse to look past who we should be and see who we are.