My Gender is a Spectator Sport

My gender is a spectator sport

Watching people call me ma’am, she, her… assuming they know who I am but not connecting the dots when I telll them: THEY

Those are not my pronouns.

Okay Ma’am 

 

My gender is a spectator sport

So you mean, you aren’t going to cut your hair short and wear men’s clothes?

But you look like a girl.

 

My gender is a spectator sport

I could change my gender marker…

but most states don’t recognize anything other than M and F.

Male OR Female

 

My gender is a spectator sport

Though I can’t even watch it on tv because it doesn’t follow the mainstream, binary arc of transition.

This is what *should* happen when you’re trans.

Are you even trans if you don’t have dysphoria.

 

My gender is a spectator sport

As I watch myself bleed every month for no good reason.

Having doctors tell me they can’t operate because I may want kids some day, as if they can tell the future.

Knowing my only escape is a dose of hormones that I don’t want anyway.

 

My gender is a spectator sport

Amateur queer, not ready to be taken seriously by the professionals.

 

My gender is a spectator sport

Watching from the sidelines as friends inject them selves with gender affirming hormones.

Seeing the happiness that comes from top surgery, knowing that feeling is out of reach.

Wondering: Whats wrong with me? I should want that, but I don’t… but I do.

 

My gender is a spectator sport

There are no rules I can follow.

No strategies.

No one wins or loses.

I watch.

Invisible in my gender.

On the sidelines as everyone else queers it up.

I want to participate but I cant, because we aren’t playing the same game.

Everyone is playing baseball while Im trying to play cricket.

Do you even know what cricket is?

One thought on “My Gender is a Spectator Sport

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.