Suffocating Femininity

My femininity is suffocating sometimes. I don’t really know how to be less femme or more androgynous. It isn’t something that happens naturally for me, which makes me wonder if I am trying to force myself into this nonbinary, androgynous shaped hole were I don’t fit.

I hate that being androgynous means having short hair. Looking though tags on instagram I was only able to find a very small handful of people who identified as androgynous who also had long hair.  My long hair, I often feel, holds me back from looking or feeling less femme. I am not ready to part with my hair- I love it. So how do I find my own androgynous?

Honestly, I’m probably just a wierdo when it comes down to the bottom line. I would love to wear cute pants with cuffed ankles, suspenders, and a cute t with a snap back. Androgynous goals. But I hate wearing pants; I prefer shorts always. When I do wear pant I typically like them super skinny- no way to roll the ends. I can rock a t when the weather is cool but come summer I feel most comfortable in tanks. Most tanks from the guys section are too long to tuck in and I prefer to wear my pants slightly lower than my waist- or wear high waisted pants. Suspenders become weird here. I have a small collection of snapbacks but I hate compromising a good hair day under a hat so I have to perfectly time hat wearing with hair washing. Can you see how the look falls apart?

And yet- I crave the look. It’s the balance of masculinity that still lets me look femme. It is the indicator that I am queer, even if I just come off as a lesbian. It is a way to dress that holds significantly less rules about how my body should look in the clothes. It is a freedom that can allow my body to just be instead of having to hide.

I cant ever see myself not dressing in a way that is typically more femme- but I am hopeful that I can find myself in clothing more often than I do now. Social media makes me long for what I don’t have, but it can also be a way for me to identify clothes I like that are less femme than what I would usually find. By seeing on others, I can have a better idea of what to look for when I am shopping. I can find my balance between femme and androgynous, one piece of clothing at a time.

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